Can God Make A Tool So Big That Not Even He Can Shut It The Hell Up? (interlude)

Sorry I've been away. I've missed me too. (Is it both presumptive and ridiculous for a historically sporadic bloggarian like myself to apologize for being away for four days -- to a readership roughly equivalent to a pickup volleyball game? Whatevs.) I just had to leave those debate pics up top for a few days. Made me giggle.

James Dobson absolutely tears the ass out of me. What's the rumpus?, you ask. Well, it appears that Dr. Dobson might not favor us with his vote this November. Chickety-check it out. This guy makes me want to turn in my Jesus card. I just want to point out that one of the reasons Dobson says he won't vote for John McCain is that sometimes, he cusses. Are you f**king kidding me? (Sorry, Mom.) I mean, maybe it's a non-story; the ludicrous power of the Religious Right has waned considerably here in the twilight of Bush's Pre-Retirement Jamboree, as evidenced most strongly by the GOP frontrunners -- a moderate and a Mormon. For crying out loud, has there ever been a bigger example of the hypocrisy of so-called "Christian" politicians than all the Romney endorsements? Rick freaking Santorum just endorsed the guy! I mean, wouldn't a guy who wielded his Christianity as a weapon as much and as terribly as Santorum did have something to say about a freaking Mormon? Jesus must be cracking up, 'cause that's good stuff right there.

So, to sum up, James Dobson, regardless of how strenuously he makes the point that this is just one man's opining, is using his considerable influence and his considerably sized forum to encourage people not to vote. Awesome. What a f**king tool. (Again, sorry, Mom.)

Holy Crap, Pt. 3. (interlude)

"Oh, man! Is that 'F**k Tha Police'? That's my JAM!"

Holy Crap, Pt. 2. (interlude)

"Ohhhhhhhh, that feels good. I was holding it for so long."

Holy Crap. (interlude)

The best shot at the White House in who knows how long and the Pod People choose NOW to strike?

Man, it sucks to be a Democrat.

Top 20 of 2007: We Like Crazy

11. The White Stripes Icky Thump

If I'm being honest, I would not consider myself a White Stripes superfan. I'm always interested in what they're up to, and Jack White appears to be my kind of crazy; it's just that none of their records ever took me to that next level. Although you can't help but admire a guy that makes his records for thirty bucks and then sells a million copies, while holding on to all his copyrights. I believe I'll let him take me to dinner.

I approached Icky Thump with the same kind of pseudo-detatchment I throw at every new Stripes record, and you know what? It snuck up on me. When the White Stripes set their phasers to "rock," there's no experience quite like it: Jack's God-fearing stomp and wail; Meg's American primitivism. A brief note to Meg detractors: if you think a more polished drum sound would do anything other than make the Stripes common, you're out of your tree. Thus ends the lesson. Anyway, to the rocking. The sheer amount of gain on Jack's guitar, unofficial studies have shown, has an equal chance of rupturing your spleen or getting you pregnant. It's as if he found an amp where the gain went to 50, and then he found four more, and then he plugged them into an airplane. But the great thing about the White Stripes? He could also be playing through a twenty-dollar karaoke machine.

Jack and Meg are always good for at least one mind-bending single, and "Icky Thump," with its cracked-out keyboards and crack-the-sky riff, doesn't disappoint. The guitar solo toward the end actually made me lose a tooth. And it doesn't stop there: the metal-with-the-crusts-cut-off and fever lyric of "Little Cream Soda," the weirdo vaudeville act of "Rag and Bone," and the pitch-perfect cover choice "Conquest," which, incidentally, features the best guitar/mariachi duel anyone has ever heard. And, oh yeah, there are bagpipes.

Bagpipes.